Lookin' At Manuals

Hello dear readers and welcome back to the game room. Remember the days when you had to use a bit of your imagination when playing a video game? The days when a storyline wasn't supplemented with fancy full motion video cutscenes, a tremendous amount of extra material to read about online, or even the luxury of voice acting? If you do, you probably remember thumbing through a good old instruction manual or two.

Yes, before any of those things, the only supplementary material video games had to rely on were manuals- it was where you learned the controls, the plot, and just about anything else you needed to know in order to complete a game from start to finish. I used to lovingly refer to manuals as "history books" as a kid, because anything you needed to know about the backstory of a video game could be found there. These days, manuals are a thing of the past- hell, they even were long before physical media as a whole started dying out. But personally I love having them for my old games, even for reasons besides being the completionist that I am. They're a window to the past, they provide quirky and even downright odd (or just plain wrong) commentary on games, and sometimes they'll tell you a thing or two about a beloved game you may have never even known before. So that being said, let's flip back through a few dusty, torn up pages and take a glimpse into the not-so-distant past of gaming history.

We'll start off somewhere just about everyone in my age group should recall- remember the manual for Pokemon? I couldn't have been the only person who actually took the time to fill out the blank pokedex spaces in the back of it whenever I caught something new. I remember always being annoyed that the last few pages didn't have any pictures at all on them.

There's also some weird stuff going on in the screenshots within the manual. "The Brock"? I don't recall that in the game...

 

And this one ALWAYS bugged me, even when I was a kid. When you use the fishing rod, you're only supposed to get text saying "oh! It's a bite!" But "ho! It's a hit!"? Where did that come from? I remember thinking that if you saw that message, you'd get a really good Pokemon. Still waiting on my Mew from fishing, damn it.

Localization is a pretty funny thing. For those who aren't aware, localization is the process by which developers translate video games developed in other countries for their local market, most being translations from Japanese. However, back in the day localizations were abjectly terrible, most famously so for extremely poorly translated lines like "All your base are belong to us." Localization isn't entirely about text translation, however- it also involves explaining the plot. As such, back in the day many game developers chose to craft their own stories that sometimes had absolutely nothing to do with the game. Here in the U.S., this often meant that many games became "Americanized" with ridiculous stories that weren't even a part of the original game at all. Case and point: the manual for Metal Gear on the NES. It's already well known that the game itself was somewhat butchered compared to it's Japanese MSX counterpart, but just read the plot synopsis from the NES manual:

I wonder if Hideo Kojima has ever read that...

I mean, really, Vermon CaTaffy sounds like an STD or something. But no, he's the tranquil shepard boy with 27 sisters. This is canon, right? I feel like I can't even make a joke about how the Metal Gear franchise would write another sequel to retcon this information in.

How about the original Resident Evil? One thing I always found funny about the manual is how it has these quite detailed back stories for characters whose only appearances in the game are as corpses. Take good ol' Kenneth Sullivan for example- the only notoriety he gets in the entire game is having the distinction of being the first victim the player comes across, being eaten by a zombie. Yet the manual dedicates half a page to his picture and a few sentences on his background in chemistry.

Sometimes manuals can be pretty damn funny, especially if the game itself is pretty wacked out. This is evidenced in a few snippets from the Earthworm Jim 2 manual for Sega Saturn, as you can see here:

Now that's hysterical. It just goes to show that when developers were having fun with what they created, the end product was always that much better.

The original Super Mario Bros. has a pretty simple story: a regular plumber named Mario must save a princess and her kingdom from the evil King Koopa. But here's something you might not know, straight from the original manual itself:

Wait, you're telling me that the citizens of the Mushroom kingdom were turned to...blocks? The same blocks from the game? The ones that Mario smashes open repeatedly. So...Mario is a murderer, basically.

I always found it pretty cool when manuals hinted at hidden stages within the game. The manual for Sonic & Knuckles did just that, telling only the title of the Hidden Doomsday Zone, yet withholding pictures of it unlike like every other level.

I also enjoy the bio Sonic 3's manual has for Knuckles. He's 15 years old and his favorite food is grapes...that's some vital info right there, folks.

Most manuals were in black and white, which didn't leave a whole lot of room for artistic liberties. However, I think the manual for Street Fighter II pulled off some pretty cool illustrations. I also find it funny how we would always struggle with trying to figure out all of the moves for characters in fighting games as kids, often just smashing all of buttons at once trying to make something happen, while meanwhile the movesets were right there in the manual for every character.

I also find it kinda humorous that manuals often included information like a character's blood type in a fighting game. You know, because Ryu can kick you in the face pretty hard with his tatsu-maki-sen-pu-kyaku, but he's also a universal blood donor. Bet you didn't know that.

But by far the strangest thing I've found is this manual for PGA Tour Golf II. Now, how difficult do you think it is to explain a golf game? You hit the ball in the hole, that's it. But this manual is nearly the size of a freakin' dictionary:

It has all this ridiculously unnecessary information in it like a SIX PAGE history of the PGA tour (including prize money amounts!), lengthy bios for 10 different pro golfers, and very detailed descriptions of different courses.

This is a Sega Genesis game!! What kid was sitting around reading this stuff!? And even if the game was designed for adults instead, what adult would even be reading it?? Or playing it at all for that matter! You know, sitting there in 1992 playing golf on Sega Genesis instead of actually playing golf in real life? Insane.

So anyway, it's always fun to dig around in the past a little bit, because you never know what you might find in between the dirty pages of a long lost manual from over 30 years ago. Thanks for reading.

My Top 10 WTF Moments in Video Games

Welcome back to the game room dear readers, and prepare to travel to the weird side today as I discuss some of the strangest, outrageous, and most ridiculous moments I've experienced while playing video games over the years. Also, I should warn that this will contain spoilers for a lot of games.

10. Doom II (PC)- John Romero’s head

So the year was 1994 and I was just having a blast slaying demons from hell in this game. In fact, much of my childhood was spent exactly this way with the granddaddy of all first-person shooters. I hadn’t even really learned the term “Easter egg” yet, but probably the first time I ever experienced one was when I was having fun playing with the no clip feature of Dooms’ cheat codes that just about everyone on the planet knew. In the last level of the game, Map 30 (the Icon of Sin, as you Doom fans should know already), upon clipping into the hole fixed to the wall that is supposed to be the final boss monster’s head, you’ll be treated to the surprise of a small hidden chamber with a bloody, impaled head on a stick. It wasn’t until much later in my life that I discovered that this was the head of John Romero, one of the head programmers of the game who had craftily snuck his own image into the level, but at the time, I had no idea as a 7 year-old playing this game. I just remember being utterly shocked and disturbed not only to find it there after a bit of random futzing around, but also that the head actually screams if you shoot at it! Might not seem like such a big deal by today’s standards, but this may have been the very first time I ever really felt taken aback by something I saw in a video game.

9. Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Sega Genesis)- Metropolis Zone has three acts

 

Sonic 2 is one of the all time great video game sequels and probably the most well known and beloved entry in the series (I personally like Sonic & Knuckles the best, but I’m an asshole). This game is always worth a playthrough if you’re bored with other games, but unless you’re a video game wizard (which I am certainly not), be prepared to die at least a few times once you get to the later levels- especially the freakin’ Metropolis Zone. Even if you’ve gathered the 7 chaos emeralds and blasted through the previous levels as Super Sonic, this zone simply has no mercy. You’ll find yourself lost in a maze of machinery, plagued by those goddamn mantis and crab robots, and begging for just one spare ring as you traverse the level. But the worst part about this wretched level? Unlike all of the previous levels you’ve been through so far, this relentless level has THREE ACTS! In the previous seven zones, you’ve already grown accustomed to navigating two levels and facing a boss at the end of the second, but not this time! As a kid, I remember wanting to break my Genesis in half over the shock that I had barely made it through the first two levels, yet it still wasn’t over upon entering that third act for the first time.

8. Resident Evil 3 (Sony Playstation)- Nemesis follows you through rooms

 

If you’re an adamant fan of the Resident Evil series, you’ve probably played through the first three games of the franchise at least once in your life. And what was one precedent that was set in the first two games that we could always fall back on when the situation got dire? That’s right- exiting a room will allow you to escape danger. I know I certainly exploited the hell out of this in the first two games when I found myself overwhelmed with zombies and other bio-organic monstrosities. But then RE3 came along and shattered that precedent before your very eyes as you encounter the Nemesis, a horrifically powerful monster that relentlessly stalks you throughout the game. If you’re low on ammo and health, running into this guy can be the worst thing ever- but hey, no big deal, right? Just use that newly implemented 360 degree spin on the controller and hop on outta that room, he can’t get to you that way. Right? Uh….right? Wrong. As soon as the door is off screen, you’ll hear it slam open and Nemmy will be right on top of you once again. This completely threw out the previously established rules of the first two games that monsters can’t follow you through different rooms. Well, as was in my case when I first tried this…it’s time to think again about that strategy.

7. Pikmin 2 (Nintendo Gamecube) –The Water Wraith

 

What’s worse than an enemy that relentlessly stalks you from room to room? Why, an enemy that relentlessly stalks you from room to room that you can’t even fight back against! Such is the case of the horrific Water Wraith enemy in Pikmin 2, which thankfully you will only encounter once in the game in the Submerged Castle dungeon of the Perplexing Pool level. The creature, which looks like the Pillsbury doughboy if he were made out of Jell-O and riding on a concrete steamroller, unexpectedly drops in on you in the second floor of the dungeon. Try attacking it like any other enemy you’ve encountered to this point and you’ll find that it’s utterly useless- the thing can’t be hurt at all. At the final floor of the dungeon, you’ll discover that only Purple Pikmin can destroy the beast- however, since the entrance to the dungeon is underwater, you’ll only be able to enter with blue Pikmin, meaning that until you get to that last floor, you’re at this monstrosity’s mercy. Not only that, but it can instantly flatten and decimate your entire Pikmin squad in seconds and it’ll actively hunt you throughout the dungeon while emitting horrible otherworldly grunts. It even has it's own horrific theme song. The first time encountering this thing, I had no idea how to handle it. All I could do was run around in circles scrambling to figure out what the hell to do and how to escape the wrath of this monster.

6. Halo (Microsoft Xbox)- The special legendary ending

 

Admittedly, it’s not too terribly difficult to beat the original Halo on legendary anymore, after playing it and it’s sequels for over a decade now. But back in the day, some of us first-time Xbox players had quite an ordeal escaping the clutches of the legendary difficulty in one piece. I distinctly remember my friend Dave telling me he’d heard a rumor that upon beating the game on legendary, a spectacular secret awaited those who managed to make it through. Nearly every day that summer, I’d get up in the morning and race over to his house, where we’d take on the horrible legendary mode playing cooperatively, dying over and over and over again through each level (The Library, anyone?) until one by one, we eventually conquered them. Finally, when at last the final level of the game was beaten, we eagerly awaited our prize. But for all of our hard work and dedication, what did we get? A 20 second clip of Sergeant Johnson fighting over an assault rifle with an elite, only to reconcile their differences with a big ‘ol hug as the Pillar of Autumn explodes behind them. And that’s it. Our jaws were on the floor as the credits began rolling afterward. Nowadays we joke about this and always have a good laugh, so I guess it did its job at being memorable- but back then, we felt anything but rewarded after going through that hell and back.

5. Bomberman 64 (Nintendo 64)- Sirius’ betrayal and Rainbow Palace

 

I have a lot of truly fond memories of playing this game, and unless I’m mistaken and this game is more popular than I know, I feel like it’s a criminally underrated N64 classic. Back in the day I played the shit out of this game, whether it was in the story mode or doing battle with friends in the insanely fun multiplayer. However, I had quite difficulty obtaining all 100 of the golden cards that are scattered throughout the levels and are awarded by beating bosses in certain ways. In particular, I couldn’t figure out how the hell to get one of them in particular in the 2^nd stage boss of Black Fortress, the final world of the game. I stuck with it though and one day was finally rewarded by obtaining it, at which point I promptly headed to the final boss to see if there was any extra reward. However, what I completely didn’t expect was that upon beating the game with all 100 golden cards, you’ll be betrayed by Sirius, a character who’d been previously helping you throughout the game. And not only that, but to my utter shock, the game wasn’t over yet and a secret 6^th world awaited! By this point I’d been playing the game for a very long time and was so completely stunned to find that there was more to it than I knew. And not just more, but a very surreal and dream-like world with extremely difficult puzzles to solve (and a very creepy 2^nd level boss, I might add).

4. Earthworm Jim 2 (Sega Genesis/SNES)- Jim Is Now A Blind Cave Salamander!

Earthworm Jim and its equally wacky sequel are easily some of most outlandishly creative and fantastically weird games ever conceived. I mean, as if the premise of an earthworm running around inside of an alien suit chasing an intergalactic alien crow across the galaxy wasn’t crazy enough, the second game will have you fighting a giant unicycle-riding maggot, bouncing puppies off of a giant marshmallow, and being attacked by a salt shaker through a level made entirely of food. But the most bizarre level of the game has to be the aptly-titled “Jim Is Now a Blind Cave Salamander!”, also known as “Villi People.” After 3 levels of playing as Jim, you’re now transformed into a salamander carrying a gun, swimming through what appears to be intestines (intestinal villi are tiny buds that line the walls of the small intestine and aid in digestion) while shooting at sheep, dodging bumpers and pencils sticking out of the wall, and collecting worms (more on that in a moment). Oh, and Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata is playing as the level music. There’s also what appears to be a tiled floor and windows looking out on the world. What drugs were they on when they made this? This level actually disturbed the hell out of me when I was kid. These days I love how spectacularly nonsensical it all is, but something about the surreal and strange nature just really weirded me out when I was younger. Oh, and remember those worms I mentioned before? At the end of the level you’ll suddenly find yourself in a gameshow out of nowhere, where you can exchange the worms for chances to answer questions and win prizes. And by the way, the questions make no sense whatsoever and it’s fantastic.

3. Silent Hill 2 (Sony Playstation 2)- Two Pyramid Heads

I’ve been talking a lot about relentlessly stalking enemies, haven’t I? Well good old Pyramid Head from Silent Hill 2 pretty well fits the bill in that category. The hulking, knife-wielding monster periodically materializes from the darkness and attacks you, and I was certainly one of those gamers terrified at the mere mention of his name. However, nothing on Earth could prepare me for the penultimate confrontation of the game, in which you’ll do battle with not one, but two Pyramid Heads. Admittedly, the first time I played this game I wasn’t too well-versed in subtext (or psychopathology for that matter, which I am now) and at that point in the game, I had no idea what the hell was even happening in the story anymore. I understand the reasoning now and it certainly makes sense within the lore of the game, but at the time I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it, so walking into that room and seeing two of those evil bastards just completely blew my mind. As if one of them chasing me around wasn’t bad enough, here was a second one out of nowhere. And worst of all, I had to fight them both at the same time.

2. Pokémon Red & Blue (Nintendo Gameboy)- Encountering MissingNo for the first time

MissingNo is probably the most well-publicized video game glitch of all time and probably the one that spawned the most schoolyard urban legends and myths of any video game I ever played. I remember constantly hearing about it and the subsequent infinite item glitch that can be triggered by spawning the strange mess of pixels, so I certainly knew what to expect after hearing all of the rumors and fantastic stories. However, I was still totally blown away the first time I ever encountered the garbled mess of a sprite for myself on the side of Cinnabar Island. Even stranger was what happened if you decided to catch and use the glitched-out mess in a battle, where it could spawn even further glitches and devolve your game into a complete mess. 

1. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty (Sony Playstation 2)– Colonel Campbell was actually GW

Was I just talking about how the plot of Silent Hill 2 confused me? Weh-heh-hell…let me tell you about the utter insanity that is Metal Gear Solid 2. The game begins just the way you’d expect it to be as you take control of Solid Snake and resume the usual tactical stealth antics. However, as the Tanker chapter ends, the game pulls a complete 180 and drops you in control of a new character named Raiden, who’s pretty much the antithesis of Snake. Nonetheless, you progress from this point forward as Raiden, who’s being aided by a familiar face: Colonel Campbell, who assisted Snake all throughout the first game. As you move forward through the game completing objectives, something seems oddly familiar about everything you’re doing. And then they hit you with a bombshell: the entire mission you’ve been a part of is a complete fabrication, designed to exactly emulate the events of the first game. And if that weren’t enough, when you find yourself inside of a massive war machine called Arsenal Gear, it’s discovered that Colonel Campbell was actually just an AI program, a complete façade designed to fool you the entire time. And not only that, but after a virus is uploaded to destroy the system core, the AI starts going haywire and Campbell starts repeatedly calling and babbling on about utter nonsense. As if everything in the game hadn’t been outrageous enough up to this point, I was really ready to just put my controller down and quit video games forever once the Colonel started calling and talking about purple stuffed worms in flap-jaw space.